Be U, Thank You Podcast is here! The podcast that will help you unveil your authentic self so you can show the world who you are confidently. Today, our host Adozie Duffy talks about learning how to be kind to ourselves. Learning how to love and strive towards what we want because that is the only way we get to enjoy the beginning, the middle & the end of what it is we are trying to achieve.
“Positive reinforcement is one of the best ways to go after something that you want to achieve what you want.”
“You can’t just berate your way to happy. You have to learn to change your patterns. You have to be able to learn to enjoy the journey because it is literally all we have.”
“What we got to do now is we have to start changing the way we speak to ourselves. We have to start changing the way we seek validation and we have to start with us.”
“You do not have to hate on yourself in order to motivate yourself.”
What to watch for:
0:23 – What to expect from this podcast.
2:33 – Stop Being So hard on Yourself!
4:42 – The way you treat yourself sticks with you, no matter where you are
9:46 – The goal doesn’t make you anything. The goal is just a goal.
17:37 – There is no other better version of you that is more worthy than you are right now.
21:15 – Start plugging in new thoughts, habits, and ideas of ourselves.
22:54 – Closing
Connect with Adozie
Some of us, are so fucking hard on ourselves. You know who you are, you know what I’m talking about. Some of us believe that the only way to get to our goals is by pushing ourselves, berating ourselves, & shaming ourselves into action. Now, I’m not saying that by doing that you won’t get your goals, but what I do know is that if you are hating on yourself now, once you get the goal, you are not going to magically stop hating on yourself.
The way that you treat yourself sticks with you, no matter where you are
We have to learn how to loving strive towards what we want. Because that is the only way we get to enjoy the beginning, the middle & the end of what it is we are trying to achieve. You can
If you form the pattern in your brain to blame, berate & shame yourself into accomplishing your goals, you are left with a brain that only knows how to do those things. Accomplishing your goal, will not magically make those patterns disappear. You might get a quick hit of dopamine that temporarily alleviates that pattern, but after that subsides, you are still left with that pattern you’ve created. Meaning that even if after you’ve accomplished your goals, you are left feeling bad. This is because you go with you wherever you go. So if you were mean on the way here, hello you’re gonna be mean even after the fact.
You can’t just berate your way to happiness. You have to learn to change your patterns. You have to be able to learn to enjoy the journey because it’s literally all we have. The goal does not make you anything. The goal is just a goal, it’s just a thing. It’s just a way to pass time in this thing we’re all doing called life. The man, the job, the house, whatever it is. It Will not give you the happiness you are searching for, especially if you have been so rude to yourself the whole way there. The man, the job, and the house will give you a temporary hit of dopamine (you know like the same way you feel when you get a like on Instagram) & then it will lose its sparkle. & I’m not saying this to alarm you, I’m saying this to wake you up! Aren’t you tired of this pattern?
You keep trying to do, do, do your way to worthiness. Has it worked yet?
You keep looking for yourself in external things. Trying to make these goals and accomplishments validate you. You keep looking outside of yourself to “be better”. If I just had x,y, or z I would be happier. Once I have those things, then I can relax. Then I can lighten up, then I can be nicer to myself.
But that’s not how it works! & you already know this. Because how many times did you strive really hard for something just to get it & then find something else to strive for. No wait, actually this thing over here is going to make me worthy.
That version of me over there, that better version, is going to allow me to never feel bad ever again! Because once I have that thing I know it will make me happier/more confident. Once I have that thing THEN I will be nice to myself. Then I will take care of myself better. Becoming that other person is what’s going to allow me to feel better. Not the other way around.
This thing over here is going to give me the ultimate validation so that I never have to seek it again!
But here’s the thing girlies, if you look at it like this, you will ALWAYS be searching for the next thing, or the next accomplishment, or the next person, to validate you. You will always be looking for something or someone to be putting into, hoping that in the end, it’s going to end with the ultimate validation that will wash over you & make everything “better”. But remember, you’ve been doing this. Has it worked yet?
Okay fine, so if that doesn’t work, what are we supposed to do? Nothing? Nope! But we have to start with changing the way we speak to ourselves, we have to start with changing the way we seek validation, we have to start with us.
If you want your goals to make you happy, then you have to start by being happy now.
Your goal can not give that to you. You have to start by changing the way we talk to ourselves. We need to start acknowledging & recognizing what we are doing now, & being proud of ourselves now, being happy with what we are doing now, so that we can enjoy it before, during & after we’ve achieved what we are looking for.
You do not have to hate on yourself in order to motivate yourself. You don’t have to be unsatisfied with something in order to want to change it. You can love something, and still want to make changes. You don’t have to wait until something is “perfect” until you are “perfect” to do something. You can go for it now, you can try it now, it is there for you just for the sake of adventure, just for the sake of doing something. We have so much damn time on this earth, we have to fill our days with something. But we don’t have to use those things we fill our days with as a measure of our worthiness. We put so much stock in our actions, and we put so much meaning in them. We make them mean more than us. We make the things we do in life, mean more than life itself. & we have it backwards. You exist, therefore you matter. Your existence equals worthiness, there is nothing more to it than that. If you can start from a place of believing that, then everything we do in life is just a cherry on top. You don’t have to do your way to worthiness, you already have that. There is no other, no better version of you, that is more worthy than you are right now. So if you know that, then how do you want to spend your time, fill your days? What if you stopped seeking validation in these things you did, and just did it because you wanted to? How do you think you would show up? I know for a fact you wouldn’t be squeezing onto these things so tightly. You wouldn’t be so desperate to have these things, because you would realize these things don’t MEAN anything about you. They don’t mean you’re great, because you already are great. Instead, they are just possibilities, they are just these juicy choices we get to make every day to fill our lives. We do not need to attach ourselves to these external things, we can enjoy them and take pleasure in them, but we do not have to equate ourselves with them, that’s not what they are meant for.
They are meant to be outside of us, and we are meant to be inside of ourselves.
This is not just some coincidence though right? Society has created these conditions for us, for women to constantly seek outside validation for our worthiness. This is not your fault, it is just this wildly ingrained habit that is then reinforced by society at large. But you don’t have to follow that, because you have been following it, you already know what those results look like.
Looking for yourself in external things.
But enough! We are not doing that anymore Girlies, not on my watch, not after this fucking year!
We need to change how we talk to ourselves. We need to start practicing some self-compassion. We need to see everything we’ve done in our lives already as FURTHER PROOF that we are worthy, & that we are badass. Not use it as evidence against ourselves for how we could be better.
You are as good as it gets, & I mean that as a compliment. This is as good as it gets. There is no other situation that can give you more joy, happiness or confidence than the one you are in now. Because no matter what your situation is, it begins with you. It begins with what you think about yourself, and what you are choosing to believe about yourself. & you can believe anything you want. No one can tell you anything that you don’t already believe about yourself. The only thing that makes something someone else is saying true, is whether or not you believe them too.