Be. U. TY Podcast is Here! The podcast that will help you unveil your authentic self so you can show the world who you are confidently. In today’s episode, our host Adozie Duffy talks about learning how to feel or express our feelings. Learning what it means to feel and process our feelings and emotions.
“Our body doesn’t wait on us to gain the knowledge before it starts producing emotions.”
“ We don’t just want to succeed for the sake of it, we want to succeed because we think it will give us a feeling, it’ll make us feel happy or accomplish, maybe satisfied or powerful, but most of the time, we go for achievements and accomplishments, completely blind to our emotions, blind to what we are actually trying to gain from doing these things, and without a clear idea of how we want to feel once we’re there, or even how we want to feel along the way.”
“Not every single person is going to have the same cause of emotion. Different things cause different bodies to feel different ways.”
“Your body will have physical sensations. Whether you choose to recognize them or not.”
“Because we know any emotion is just a physical sensation in our bodies. We know there is nothing for us to be afraid of.”
What to watch for:
1:52 – What it really means to process and feel our feelings and emotion.
5:21 – The Feelings Wheel
8:26 – Be in touch with your emotion
10:38 – An emotion is just a physical sensation.
15:26 – Start practicing naming your emotions..
16:06 – The Exercise.
20:23 – Practicing processing your emotions
Feelings Wheel: http://feelingswheel.com/
Connect with Adozie
Hello Girlies! I am back again with podcast all around a topic that was rather hard for me for some time if I’m being honest. & that is a podcast all about our feelings amd emotions. When I very first started my journey around self-care & self-awareness, it all started with the small little concept, that I had no idea how to feel or express my feelings. I literally googled “How to feel your feelings?”. & it took me down this wild path of which you are listening to the results today!
But no really, when does everyone learn about this? Because I’m telling you, when I started out I was completely clueless. I felt like the only time I truly felt anything was when I was boiling over with emotions, good or bad, & they all just came out at once. I knew that couldn’t be how it was supposed to be, but what else did I have to go off of but my own past experiences? Feeling numb, until I literally felt everything! You can imagine what it was like to be around me, one minute full of energy & excitement for something, & the next all the wind knocked out of me, & a strong pull for me to lay down. Or worse, when someone could say something that seem to be completely unrelated to me, but it could cause such a strong pull over my emotions, I would have outbursts that seem like they came out of nowhere, or like it was completely different person just took over my body & popped off for some reason I truly myself couldn’t explain.
I know I’m not alone in facing these types of wild mood swings, & lack of awareness of where it all comes from. I’m telling you, I started pulling apart what was going on with me layer by layer.
I literally started by using a feelings wheel. Which is just what it sounds like. A wheel full of emotions, that I used to just give myself some vocabulary to work with. I realized I didn’t just not know what I felt, but what feelings were even available for me to feel! & what’s so funny is our body doesn’t wait on us to gain the knowledge before it starts producing emotions, so it’s wild to think about, but I’d just been going my whole life up until this point, just having unidentifiable emotions, at what felt like, random to me. What a disconnect I had from my body! & I know I’m not alone.
Most of us are raised to focus on our minds. To get smarter, to learn so that we can contribute to society, for a job or even for a spouse or to make a home. But very rarely are we taught about our emotions, which is literally the only reason why we do any of these things in the first place right? We don’t just want to be smart for the sake of it, we want to be smart because it makes us think a certain way about ourselves, which therefore allows us to have a feeling about ourselves. We don’t just want to succeed for the sake of it. We want to succeed because we think it will make us feel a certain way, right? Happy, or accomplished, satisfied or powerful.
But most of the time, we go for achievements and accomplishments blind to our emotions. Blind to what we are actually trying to gain from doing these things, and without a clear idea of how we want to feel once we’re there, or even how we feel along the way.
For some reason, emotions get seen as a weakness. So for the most part, society at large has encouraged us not to give in to them, or even worse, not acknowledge them. Especially if they’re not “positive”. & you would think with a society that is so obsessed with talking* about how “emotional” women can be, that at least the women would be allowed to express themselves, & be taken seriously about the emotions we have and face. But no, there is still just a small list of emotions that is “okay” for a woman to display at any given time, anything outside of that is too much or “overdramatic”.
But I’m telling you right now. There isn’t a person on this planet who isn’t constantly having emotions. Because our emotions are directly linked to our thoughts. So if you’re thinking all day, you are emoting all day. & as much as people want to separate logic & emotions as if they are two completely different concepts, they are deeply intertwined. If you want to have better control over your life, and the outcomes you experience in it, then you MUST become in touch with your emotions.
Hiding them away, or running from them, does not work. I mean hiding from, and running from anything in life doesn’t work. I didn’t make the rules, I just acknowledge them. & if you want to have a more controlled, peaceful & purposeful life, you absolutely have to start with your emotional well being. You can’t get away from it. Have you every seen people who are really successful, but deeply unhappy? Have you ever had an experience where you accomplished something but didn’t get much joy out of it? This is directly from having a disconnect from your emotions (also a disconnect from your inner desires, but that’s another podcast for a different day).
So, then, you might be asking. What are we supposed to do with our emotions? If we’re supposedly just having them all damn day long, how are we supposed to know what they are? & what’s the “right” thing to do with them?
Obviously, every body is different. & I mean body, the physical thing that your inside of that gets you from place to place. So every single body is not going to feel an emotion in the same exact way. And each body is going to have entirely different triggers for what brings on an emotion. (& I just mean trigger in the sense of something that puts something into motion, not the same trigger that is about people being sensitive to something & it causes a huge emotional reaction for them) Now an emotion, is just a physical sensation your body experiences. That’s it. It is just the reaction your body has to your thoughts.
When we are looking for our emotions, we have to start by getting in tune with our body, and literally we’re just looking for physical sensations in our bodies. We don’t start by looking for the emotion, we start by just identifying what physical sensations our bodies are experiencing in this moment. For example, I can feel my chest expand, and get this lightness to it, I can feel a little bit of tingling and jumping up in my chest. I can feel my inner thighs get tingly and a lightness that just flows kind of through my hands and into my finger tips. For me, this tends to happen when I’m feeling excited about something. When I have a deep pull on my heart that feels like it could just go down my body into my feet, it usually is when I’m feeling sad, or disappointed. These are a tiny part of the infinite number of things that someone is able to experience in their body. So please don’t take this as a rule of thumb. But I’m telling you this to give you an example of what it might feel like for you when your body is having an emotion.
& what’s interesting about it, is that your body will have those physical sensations whether you choose to recognize them or not. Our bodies are smart, they tend to know well before we become aware of something. So if you are a person, like I was in past, pushing aside your emotions, by the time you actually feel them, it’s because your body at this point is metaphorically* screaming at you. It’s been having these smaller, less intense sensations, that you’ve been ignoring*, that have just build up over time, that now it can’t contain any longer. Our bodies are our container for our emotions, we need to open up and let the air out of them so that they have room to fill up again. Once you’re overflowing with these unprocessed emotions, it is too late to have any intention or control of them & often they just take over.
When we decide to make a conscious effort to process our emotions as they come to us, or even just routinely, we give our body the chance to empty out and make space for new things to come in. We are creating space between the emotion itself & our ability to look at & examine it. The more regularly we can process our emotions, the more room we have in our container to examine them from afar. Remember, there is more room out than in, the world can take it, your body can’t.
So I want you to start practicing naming your emotions. It doesn’t have to be super specific to start off with. We just want to get a feel for what sensations our body is prone to feeling. I think a great exercise to try this with is just to come up with a small scenario in your head. Your body can’t tell the difference between what’s actually happening live in front of you & what is just a figment of your own very active imagination. This is why we can literally have a whole fight with someone in our heads that isn’t actually happening, but feel just as worked up as if they were right there in front of our faces. Sorry is that just me, does no one else do that? Lol
Anyways, I want you to start by just thinking up a scenario, I would start with a negative one, because those seem to stick with us more & be easier for us to resonate with (ugh dumb brains always have to have an affinity for the negative things in life). & just see what your body does. It can be something small, like forgetting your keys and having to go back to your house on your way out the door. Or locking yourself out of your house. Or not getting invited to a party your friends are going to. Start small, but just try something negative. Now, as you are thinking of this scenario, I want you just to name off a few things your body is experiencing. Maybe it’s the back of your neck feeling hot, or just your body tensing up, or even just a sinking feeling. There are no wrong answers here, you are just literally naming the sensation, and acknowledging that something is happening in your body.
Now, if you are ready, go ahead and try to name that feeling. I would just start with a basic. Like mad, or sad, even unhappy or disappointed could work. Just pick one that feels closest and name it. From here, you are just going to allow yourself to feel that way, just for a moment. & sit with yourself like you would a friend, or even a kid, who was just not having a really great day. & just let her feel. Don’t say “that’s dumb” or “who cares” just let her have her emotion, don’t judge. & once it’s been sat with, you can just say to yourself “I understand”. & that’s it. That is you processing an emotion.
Now, let me not fool you & say all emotions are this light and dainty & chill, but what I can say, is that every emotion is just a physical sensation in your body. That is it. Nothing more. Meaning, it can’t actually hurt you & it doesn’t mean anything about you. It is just a physical sensation occurring in your body. The same way wind blowing on your hair is just a sensation your body experience, it is temporary & it will pass, and it can’t hurt you. Interestingly enough, the more you lean into these physical sensations, the less powerful they feel. & the more you can be there with yourself through the experience. The more intouch you get with your emotions, the quicker you can identify them and process them & just give yourself the space to move through them. You can even begin to see them oncoming & talk yourself through them.
I’m telling you, the biggest roadblocks in our lives come from unprocessed emotions. We use our mind to build a blockade between ourselves & our bodies, all out of a fear of having an emotion that we think is going to be feel really bad.
We build up in our heads, how bad we think something is going to make us feel. & we use that fear of the emotion* to justify avoiding things in our lives that we truly want, or that matter deeply to us. But everything in our lives that is most worth doing, is on the other side of that unprocessed emotion. Which, usually is fear. But remember anytime you are running toward or away from something, you are only run towards or away from the emotion you think it will give you. Let me say that again. Any time you are moving towards something, or resisting it entirely, it is only because of the perceived emotion you THINK you will feel once it happens.
I’m telling you, the biggest roadblocks in our lives come from unprocessed emotions. They come from thoughts that we’ve said to ourselves so many times, that create the sensation of fear in our body. such a strong sensation in our body, & we begin to fear that sensation all together. So then we become more and more detached from our bodies, & our emotions because we are afraid of ourselves, because we don’t thin we can handle it. We even start avoiding doing things that we want, because of this feeling of fear we’ve built up around it. that we believe them and we turn them into legitimate fears. But remember anytime you are running toward or away from something, you are only run towards or away from the emotion you think it will give you. Let me say that again. Any time you are moving towards something, or resisting it entirely, it is only because of the perceived emotion you THINK you will feel once it happens.
& because we know an emotion is just a physical sensation in our bodies, we know there is nothing for us to be afraid of. Our fears are not valid, because we can handle any physical sensation our body experiences. Because that’s all it is, wind on our skin.
Now, I want you to also think about a small positive scenario right? You just got a flirty text from someone you’ve been eyeing, you just found an extra $20 in the pocket of your jacket, you just accomplished everything on your todo list in record time. What physical sensations is your body feeling? Light? Tingly? Warm? Okay, now name it. Happy, excited, accomplished!
Now, sit with it and acknowledge it you can say “good job” or “you did that” or even still “I understand or I get it”. Let yourself have this moment, enjoy it. And now, you’ve processed a positive emotions. Interestingly enough, it’s the same process. That’s because to our bodies, emotions are neither positive or negative. They are just sensations it is feeling. If you encourage your body to push into a negative emotion, it will process, if you encourage your body to push into a positive emotion, it will process. Your body has a job to do, it just needs your help to do it. You are in mutually beneficial relationship. Your body has been holding up it’s end up the deal, whilst you’ve been pushing it aside & putting it on the backburner. It’s time now that you hold up your end of the relationship. You just need to start listening to it, as it has been listening to you for so many years.
So that’s what I’ve got for you today ladies! I think for me the thing that really helped me better process & understand my emotions was through the all mighty feeling wheel, so I will have a downloadable link for you in the show notes, or you can get it on my website @ beuthankyou.com/ep2 to give you a kickstart on identify each of your emotions. Remember you can start really simple just happy, sad,mad, confused, if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed by the idea of it all. & some emotions are just more familiar to us than others so you might even be able to identify that something causes your irritation when your mad, verses you only knowing that something made you feel sad, maybe “apathetic” is too big of a leap. Yes? So just be aware that everyone’s body has a completely different life experience so some emotions may just come more naturally to you than others & there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I hope you found this helpful! & I will be back to talk to you next week to give you more tools & insight into how we can have better understand & control of our emotions. Thanks Girlies (:
Feelings! Wow baby. This is something that very rarely ever gets talked about. Feelings, we all have them, but very few of us know what to do with them, or even how to identify them.
But astonishingly, our feelings are really the only reason we do anything at all. Right? We think we are going to get to feel happy, or excited, or fun* and so that is usually why we choose to do anything in life.
A lot of the times, we are also looking for things that we can do to make us feel “better”. This concept of that being somewhere else in our life in the future is going to bring on a different, elevated version of ourselves that feels nothing but bliss, & that the way that we’re going to get there will also just be filled with bliss & that is all.
We have a huge misconception that life is just meant for us to feel “good”. That any time we are not feeling good, that something has actually gone wrong, and needs to be fixed. But if there is something that we know to be universally true about the human experience, is that life is filled with both good & bad times. Good & bad emotions, yet when we are experiencing the so called bad we have this innate belief that that is incorrect. That the correct way to be is only the good. But what this does, is it actually denies an entire half of our life. It makes us literally reject ourself, or our circumstance, solely because it isn’t exactly “how we think it should be” which in most cases is just “good” or even easy.
But the key to being able to handle these not so great times, is to actually allow them to happen. And acknowledge those feelings for what they are, without telling them, or yourself that they should not exist in the first place. Because, the biggest reason for all the pain & suffering we experience is solely because of our choice to resist the bad. If we just allowed ourselves to experience negative emotions without judging them, without pushing them awaym without believeing that something had gone wrong, then we could let the emotions do what they are supposed to do, which is flow through our body & then be on their merry way.
We get stuck in our emotions & we get trapped by them, because often we are refusing to just experience them. We build them up in our head & then this makes us want to process them less & less, until finally they boil over & they all come out at once. & of course, if this is how you process your emotions every single time, your body & your mind are going to be adverse* to experiencing them. It’s like before you get a shot you psych yourself out so then the experience is just all the more intense during the entire thing.
Think about a time when you had something small to do on your to do list. But then you pushed it off for a long time. Then you made it such a big deal to yourself, so you avoided doing it. By the time you finally convince yourself to do it, you realized it wasn’t that bad and only took like 8 minutes.
That is what we do with our emotions. We push them to the side for the sake of “not now”. So that we can work, or not ruin the time, or watch tv. We are always leaving out emotions to be taken care of later. Or to take care of themselves.
I think this comes from being very disconnected from our bodies. We spend so much time working, or doing, that we really do not take anytime to recogonize what it feels like inside our bodies, until something is just too big for us to ignore.
But the thing about emotions is that they are always there, & the more you pay attention to them, the more you can actually feel yourself when there is a shift in them. & if you’re paying attention to your body & the way it feels, you can then be in charge of helping yourself through an emotion. You don’t have to be at the mercy of your emotions, & you don’t have to constantly be on an emotional rollercoaster all the time.
It starts with just sitting & breathing and feeling into your body. What does it actually feel like when your mad? For me my chest gets tight, my breath gets stifled* & I feel these hot pangs around my heart. When I’m sad, it feels like my heart just sinks to the bottom of my stomach. When I’m excited I feel like my chest is super light and expanded. But then when I’m irritated I feel this tug in between my legs & behind my thighs. These are literal sensations in my body that are a result of my feelings. & my feelings are just a direct result of the thoughts that I am having.
Every thought we have in or head, creates a feeling in our body. If you just sit with yourself for a second & think up different scenarios, you can literally feel your body sensations change. If you take a minute & dream up a scenario with a loved one on a day with your favorite weather & doing something you love to do, you can feel your body shift & react to these thoughts. If you sit & think of a negative scenario where you’re waiting in line & the teller at the front is taking too long to process an order, you can also feel your body have that shift as well. Our feelings are a direct results of the thoughts that we have in our head, & as you can see, we don’t even have to actually be experiencing something in reality, for it to have a physical impact on our bodies & our emotions.
This is such a powerful concept. Because everything we do in life is around trying to control how we are going to feel. We specifically avoid doing certain things because we predict they are going to make us feel bad. As well as we engage in the things that might not be great for us in the long run because we are banking on a temporary feeling we predict it will give to us in the present.
Once we realize we are the ones who are solely in control of our ability to feel or not feel a certain way, the level of control & the amount of things we can accomplish in life is just unsurmountable.
Think about it like this! If you can create a feeling in your body ahead of time, than you can be in any situation, no matter how perceiving difficult or challenging it might be & know that the only thing keeping you from the other side, is processing an emotion about it.
The only thing keeping you from putting yourself out there, or trying something new, is your thought. That’s it. The thought that is creating fear & resistance. If we can find that thought, process that emotion the thought brings up for us, & then replace it with a new thought that creates a better emotion for us, then there is nothing that can get in our way.
Because circumstances do not cause our feelings. Only our thoughts do.
In the meantime, you can practice getting the sensations in your body by creating mock circumstances. For example, if you can think of a memory or scenario in your head that might make you angry, or upset, your body doesn’t know the difference between what’s “actually” happening to you and what is just your imagination. So if you can think of scenarios that create the feeling of irritation for you (or any other negative emotions), you can discover what those sensations feel like in your body even without you actively being in a circumstance that would bring on that feeling. Try creating a scenario in your head and then just pay attention to what your body is experiencing. You can write these things down, and then you may start to see some patterns in the common sensations your body tends to lean towards. If you know ahead of time that your chest tends to tighten when you’re irritated, then you can have some tools ready to calm yourself to prevent you from just going with your immediate reactions in actual times of irritating circumstances. I hope this helps for now! & I will totally do a follow up video in the next couple of weeks. Keep at it girlie! lol I’m so proud!!