Be. U. TY Podcast is Here! The podcast that will help you unveil your authentic self so you can show the world who you are confidently. In today’s episode, our host Adozie Duffy talks about fear. What it is, recognizing fear and the excuses behind it, acknowledging it, understanding it, working around it and using it to your advantage.
“We hate the idea of fear, right? And it’s interesting, because we hate it so much, that we would rather disguise it as something entirely different than just say what it is. Right? Which is really wild when you think about it, because it just ends up hurting us so much more, in really strange ways.”
“A different, better, more productive way to approach this is to recognize that when I’m faced with these fears, and I tell myself the truth, I can completely avoid this whole spinning out stage.”
“The real thing fear is telling us is the truth about what we most desire, the truth about what is most important to us in our life.”
“ Fear should not be used as an indicator to run away and hide, it should actually be used as a tool that you should try to turn towards and dig deeper. Fear is essentially a guide, but most of us see a little tiny glimpse of it.”
“If you want to be able to do what you believe you were meant to do on this planet. If you want to live out your potential, then you have to follow that fear. You have to let the fear exist right next to you and keep going anyways. And you have to come up with creative ways to quiet the fear. So that that part of you that is inspired and motivated and passionate is louder than the fear.”
What to watch for:
05:44 – Recognizing and understanding fear
08:47 – Deflection and denial in fear
10:18 – Failing and making the stakes
12:47 – Owning up to your decisions and not feel scared
14:33 – What fear is telling us and trusting it
16:03 – Using fear as a tool and guide
18:48 – Acknowledging the existence of fear and working around it
Connect with Adozie
The funny thing about fear is that we are all so concerned about experiencing it, but we hardly ever recognize it when it’s actually happening to us.
Like obviously besides in like a life & death situation, or when you’re on a rollercoaster (fucking god damn rollercoasters, i always think I’m built for them & then i get on one & get my as humbled real fucking quick lol)
Anyways, We hate the idea of fear so much that we would rather disguise it as something entirely different then just say what it is.. Which is really wild when you think about it, because it just ends up hurting us so much more in really strange ways.
So for example, instead of just admitting that we are afraid of something, we would much rather make up a million excuses for why we aren’t doing it, or going for it, or why we aren’t able to accomplish it. Which is so interesting right?
Because by doing this, we end up just forcing ourselves to identify with some really crazy labels to justify why we can’t do something. Like we would rather say that we are just lazy, or we aren’t smart enough, or that something is impossible for us, or something is out of our control, than just admit that we are afraid to try. Like look at these hoops we are jumping through just to avoid having to admit that we are afraid of failing or to admit that we are scared to be bad. We would literally rather call ourselves stupid & incapable than just say we are afraid.
It’s like We are too scared to admit our true wants & desires, so instead we just shit on ourselves because for some reason we think that’s a better alternative?? Like where does that add up??
& what’s even more interesting about this process of deflection & denial Is that it is SO MUCH HARDER than just copping to it & giving it a try.
Because It’s actually exhausting to lie to yourself. You’re using so much mental energy trying to convince yourself that you don’t really want something, or that you’re not really a certain way. Meanwhile, someone else you know gets it or goes for it & you spin out with jealousy. Or you fixate on other people doing the thing you actually want to be doing & instead of spending the time & energy you have pursuing that thing as well, you instead use that time & energy to stock that person, or pick a part how they are doing it wrong, or bitch to a friend about it.
It’s just so interesting to me. Because you have all the time & the energy in the world to do those things & to drive yourself (& everyone around you, btw) crazy over this. Yet you refuse to do it. Or try it. Or believe in it. But you also refuse to let it go. It’s just interesting right?
Because you’re not going to give it up, so why don’t you just admit to yourself you want it? & then give yourself the permission to go for it?
That’s where the fear is actually underlying all of this. This whole façade & dance you’re doing with yourself, is actually just because you are avoiding the truth of the matter.
That this thing is so fucking important to you, that if you fail at it, you think it means you yourself are a failure. So that’s why it isn’t even worth it to try. Because you’ve made the stakes so fucking high.
But what’s amazing about this whole situation is that you are the one who made the stakes. You are the one deciding how much weight to put on this thing. Right? Which also means you are the one who has the power to control whether or not you decide to have it make or break you.
You can decide to really care about this goal or this dream & you can decide to go for it. But you can also decide that if you don’t accomplish it perfectly, or exactly as you imagine you will, that it doesn’t have to mean anything bad about you.
You can make a deal with yourself now & say like “hey self, I’m going to do this really hard thing & i would appreciate if on the other side of this, that no matter what happens, we are proud of ourselves for doing the thing in the first place. Not that we are angry that it didn’t go as planned.”
You can decide that you are going to be on your own team, no matter what the outcome & remind yourself that it is way more worth it to try & not get it, than to not try at all.
& that it actually can mean something good about you that you did it. That it is not true that failing at this = you are a failure. & actually, to be quite honest, you’d rather be a failure than a do nothing.
Because failure means there was something to fail at. It means you did a scary thing even though you had the option to just lay down on your couch & continue to scroll through other people’s Instagram feeds & judge them! Lol It means you cared enough about yourself to ask for more & believed that you deserved it.
Like look at all those amazing things we could be making this mean instead, yeah?
I don’t know about you, but the time that I’ve spent circling the drain around an important decision in my life, or twiddling my thumbs about a new thing I want to try, or going back & forth with myself around a purchase I want to make. It is SO MUCH TIME. & it is so much brain space, & so much energy & it doesn’t do anything besides make me feel bad. Literally. That’s the only purpose it ends up serving.
Because I’m spending a lot of time trying to convince myself that if I can think about this situation for long enough, I can somehow predict the future, thus eliminating any type of bad feelings i will have to have around this thing. Meanwhile i am filled with bad feelings now, like right now, as i spin out & make up 50,000 different scenarios in my head about how it can go wrong or how other people will judge me.
But instead, when I’m faced with these fears, and I tell myself the truth. I completely avoid this whole spinning out stage.
I say & acknowledge to myself that I am scared to make the wrong decision, & make a mistake. I am scared to try a new thing & embarrass myself. I am scared to make a big purchase because I think I might regret it later. All of these concerns of mine are valid.
But doing big things in life doesn’t always feel amazing. It is scary to make big life changes, and put yourself out there & be a beginner at something or make big financial decisions. All of those things are scary & I have right to feel scared. It is uncertainty, it is the unknown, there are no guarantees. That’s scary.
But I don’t have a right to a life without fear. I just don’t, it’s just not how it works. & the belief that i should always feel comfortable & unchallenged is not serving me, because it just makes me feel self-justified, which just makes me act small.
& admitting to myself that I am afraid of something doesn’t mean that I am admitting that the fear is true. For some reason, we think that fear automatically = danger. That if we feel fearful we have to believe it & trust in it because it is telling us the truth about what we are going to experience. That if you feel scared it is for good reason & you should trust that feeling & back down. But i think fear is telling us a different kind of truth. The real thing fear is telling us, is the truth about what we most desire. The truth about what is most important to in our life. The reason we are so fearful is because we care so much, not because it is inherently dangerous, it is that to us not achieving this thing would be so detrimental because we value it so much. Fear should not be used as an indicator to run away & hide, it should actually be used as a tool, that you should try to turn towards & dig deeper. Fear is essentially a guide.
But most of us see a little tiny glimpse of it & we go running in the opposite direction, so we never even get to see that side of fear. The side that is basically just saying to us “hey bitch this thing right here is super valuable, so don’t fuck it up!” Obviously that doesn’t not come with pressure, but we can see how that is actually important information for us to know. For us to realize what types of things are worth our time & attention, & what things we are actually going to get a lot of value out of accomplishing. Yes, that might mean the stakes are higher, but that also means the reward is bigger. That you will feel that much more satisfied when you do the thing, because you knew from the beginning how important it was to you.
I mean think about all the times you accomplished things you didn’t really care about. Like, it was cool I guess, but it wasn’t necessarily that important.
Too many of us make the mistake of taking the fear at face value & then getting ourselves stuck. Because at the end of the day, if you’re a passionate artist, or a passionate business owner, or a passionate author, you are always going to come back to it. You might go off & try to pursue something that on the surface is less scary, or seems less hard. But you’re always going to have the thing in the back of your mind.
You are always going to find yourself in this same spot, in this same battle with yourself around really going for it, or just staying small.
You are always going to be trying to convince yourself that you don’t really want it, or that you’re not ready yet, or that you’re not good enough. & you’re going to come up with a million reasons & excuses for why all of that is true & why you can’t yet.
But the part that you are missing is that you are always going to hit this same wall until you decide to just go for it. You are always going to remain in this same argument with yourself, which eventually you are going to lose. Wouldn’t you rather start now, then 20 years from now?
Underneath it all, you are always being this artist, or this business owner, or this author. You are already doing it & you’re going to keep doing it, because this is where your wants lie.
So is the point of you being these things really to just stay in this phase? To just always say 1 more year, or 1 more course, or 1 more free client before you actually step up & put yourself out there?
You are always going to be this artist, regardless of if you show people or not. Regardless of if you take it to the next level or not.
But you are there now, & you keep finding yourself coming back to this point, this point where you want more. This point where you want to be more, do more, share more.
When are you going to allow yourself to lean into this aspect of yourself?
That desire isn’t going anywhere, so guess what? Neither is the fear.
If you want to be able to do what you believe you were meant to do on this planet, if you want to live out your potential, then you have to follow that fear.
You have to let the fear exist right next to you & keep going anyways. & you have to come up with creative ways to quiet the fear. So that the part of you that is inspired & motivated & passionate is louder than the fear.
But don’t get it twisted, the fear is always going to be there, like a low little hum in the background. But you don’t have to be afraid of it. You can actually be grateful for it. Because it is showing you that you are on the right path & that you are living in the arena (shout out Brene’ Brown!).
Your fear is not your problem, All of the things you’re making that fear mean is the actual problem. All of the excuses you then have to come up with to justify that meaning are your problem. Those are things really getting in your way.
But if you could just let yourself feel the fear. & acknowledge it.
& remind yourself that it isn’t anything else but fear created by desire, how do you think you could be a supportive friend to yourself in that moment, & guide yourself past that? Past all the spinning out & excuse making & distractions. How can you gently realign yourself with your truth & just allow yourself to see it, want it & be present with it?
Your fear isn’t going anywhere, so instead of trying to eliminate it altogether, let’s come up with ways to befriend it & use it to our advantage. Not use it to keep us from the things that we want so badly for ourselves.
Okay girlies, that’s everything I will talk to you next week!