Be. U. TY Podcast is Here! The podcast that will help you unveil your authentic self so you can show the world who you are confidently. In today’s episode, our host Adozie Duffy talks about the money mindset shift that she has adapted and how we can just let ourselves enjoy things as they are now without limitations.
“There are some thought loops happening in your brain that you think are serving you, that are absolutely not.”
“Take a second, put down every single thought that you have about it, and just kind of read it back to yourself and start picking out what’s true, what’s not true, what’s a fact.”
“We set ourselves up so that we literally aren’t allowed to enjoy ourselves unless we do a good job.”
“We have evolved to value goodness over everything else, which also inversely means, we have evolved to fear badness. This means we then spend our time avoiding putting ourselves in situations where badness is likely because based on the way that we just kind of set this whole thing up badness is like the plague. We’ve essentially made it so that happiness and enjoyment, must come from goodness, not the other way around”
“You don’t have to wait until you’re good at the things to enjoy the things you’re doing.”
“You can just let yourself enjoy things as they are now.”
What to watch for:
05:30 – Changing my mindset.
10:23 – Enjoyment Caveat
14:78 – Focusing on you.
15:21 – Judgemental lens of good and bad.
22:58 – Stop proving yourself that you are good.
25:30 – Enjoying yourself.
Connect with Adozie
When you think about starting something new, what is the first thing that comes to mind?
Is it how much fun you’re going to have trying to figure out wtf you’re doing? Or is it about how good you can get at it?
If you think about it, most of what we try to do in life is solely based on if we’re good or bad at it.
Very few things we do are just for the fun of it, or just for the sake of it. & if you do have something like this in your life it is probably very specific, & you can probably only name 1 or 2.
This is actually wild when you think about it versus the 100s & 100s of things we do on a daily or weekly basis.
& we consider this to be pretty good. Like if you have something in your life that you just do for the sake of it, like a hobby, or a random activity, most of us feel pretty proud to say, yeah I do x without worrying about the money or without trying to excel at it.
&. I don’t want to take that away from you at all. It is good to have things in your life that you don’t put pressure on yourself over. Things that you just do, just to do them.
But I want to give you some perspective, & idk maybe open your eyes up to this really crazy thing most of us are choosing to do with our lives & to ourselves.
I’m calling this concept, the enjoyment caviet. & really all this is, is a fancy way for me to point out that most of us don’t let ourselves like or enjoy anything we are doing, unless we are good at it.
We measure ourselves either against ourselves, or against others, and we tell ourselves that the only reason or the only way something is worth our time is if we get good at it, or if we are successful at it.
& now, you might even be listening to me thinking, no but what are you talking about? Why else would you do anything?
& that’s where I want you to pause for a second.
That’s what I’m asking you right now. What else COULD you choose to do something for? Why is it that we all fall under the assumption that things are only worth doing, if they are done well?
& I’m guilty of this too, don’t get me wrong. But it is kind of interesting to think about, when you think about the fact that no matter what we are doing in life, we are judging & criticizing ourselves through the lens of is this good or is this good enough?
Like, why does that matter? Like actually, why does that matter?
When you break it down, that is something that is just kind of made up. For one, being good at something in itself is subjective. there really is no way to say that something is the best vs something else. That really just depends on who you ask, & with what criteria you choose to base it all off of.
But outside of just the fact that the universe & society is all made up & we can all do & be whatever we want as long as we let go of other people’s expectations or judgements of us. I want to just focus in on you & you.
The fact that you can go & try something new & have a miserable time because you’re focused on being good at it, not just focused on doing the thing.
& this can be applied to anything right? Like playing an instrument, or learning to cook (cough me) or working on your business.
Most of us spend a lot of time hyper focused on our skill level at the thing, & how we can make it better, or do it better next time, or what we did wrong, or what we currently aren’t getting right. That we miss out on the thing itself. We miss out on the point of it all, which is to enjoy our life. To find things we want to do & do them just for the mere fact that we can.
& we start making the basis of what we do being good. Not enjoyment. We set ourselves up so that we literally aren’t allowed to enjoy ourselves unless we do a “good job”. We put good & bad above & before enjoyment & fun. Which I think is just fucking crazy because there are so many other ways or lenses we could be looking through for different aspects of our lives.
& yes, this is based off of a lot of reasons right? Like you can blame the education system, or just like capitalism in general, or Idk your parents , maybe even evolution (lol )
But for whatever reason, we have evolved to value goodness over everything else. Which also inversely means, we have evolved to fear badness. So this means we then spend our time avoiding putting ourselves in situations where badness is likely. Because based off of the way we’ve set this all up, badness is like the plague.
We have essentially set it up so that happiness & enjoyment must come from goodness. Not the other way around.
Which I think is the secret sauce most of us are missing. That we should learn to enjoy what we are doing first & then add goodness on top to make it interesting, to push ourselves, to try to spice things up. That goodness, should not be the default.
What if instead, we got creative about the lense that we looked through to judge the things we did?
What if instead of well am I good at this? Have I improved? Am I the best?
We started asking ourselves- what would make this more fun? What can I do that i’ve never done before? How would Tim burton approach this?
Like think about how much this judgmental lense of good & bad is keeping you from trying new things? If you weren’t so scared of embarrassing yourself you would go for it. But what makes us feel like we are going to embarrass ourselves? The awareness that we could be bad at something, that’s it.
Deciding that it would actually be fun & maybe even just plain funny to try something you aren’t good at, would be a much more effective way to get yourself out there. But instead, because so many of us are conditioned to value goodness over enjoyment, we run away scared because of what other people may think.
We lead first with how we look, not how we feel.
& I’m challenging you (& my self for that matter) to try to lead first with the feeling. To move towards things that are pulling you out of pure curious it’s & excitement. Not to only move towards the things that you have already done similarly in the past, so therefore you are more likely to not be bad at them.
What if instead of valuing being good at something, we focused on enjoying something?
& i know right now those two things almost feel one in the same. Like to most people, being good has been such an ingrained caviet to enjoying something that some of you can’t separate one from the other. & are thinking that I’m not saying anything.
Lol which is totally fine! I get it!
But really listen to the difference.
What if you could just go do something, like take a salsa class & because you weren’t concerned about being good at it, you could just enjoy it literally because you are doing it. Because you had an idea, you got up & you went & did it. & that that in it of itself was enough for you to give yourself permission to live into the moment & just experience it for what it was. & the pure act of experiencing it is where you pulled your joy from. Not how good you were at it on your first go around?
What most of us actually do in these moments is we work up the courage, we go & try it but then we make ultimatums for ourselves. Like if I don’t get it down in x amount of time I’m not going anymore. Or if i can’t figure this out, then obviously i’m just not a dancer & i should go try something else. Or any other myriad of strange parameters we make for ourselves to constantly have to prove to ourselves that we are worth the time and effort.
Or maybe salsa classes don’t click for you because you consider that to be a hobby. Okay, what about cooking dinner? What if you didn’t base cooking dinner for yourself or your friends off of if it tasted good or not? Huh what? What do you mean, the whole point of cooking is to eat something tasty? Just follow me here for a second. What if instead of how good the food tasted, you judged it off of how many colorful ingredients you could use? What would that mean? What would that look like? How might you show up differently in the kitchen? What could you uncover about yourself or your refrigerator if you changed the parameters for yourself? How could you incorporate more play into your life in this way instead of just following the rules all the time?
Your life can look any way you want it to. If you shed the idea of “good” & “bad” what are you left with? Most of us can’t even imagine what that could mean because we’ve been doing things in this manner for so long.
Clean house good, dirty house bad. Long walk good, short walk bad. A plus good, C – bad. Good bad good bad
But what’s so interesting about this even, is that good & bad are completely made up. Like one person’s version of a good job is so vastly different than another person’s. Like if you walk into my house, what you consider clean might be way different than what I consider clean. Yet, i’m over here holding myself to a certain standard & deciding whether or not to give or withhold gold stars from myself based off of this completely made up idea of the line when I no longer consider my house to be dirty anymore.
How many of you are stressed out & overwhelmed by the amount of things you want (*couch cough expect) to be good at? Good clean house, good yummy food, good pretty hair, good fancy job, good sense of style, good work ethic, good knowledge of sports, whatever. We are so focused on being good at all the things in our lives, that we don’t even notice what it feels to be good at all of these things.
Does it feel good when you put the pressure on yourself to make the best dinner every night? Does it feel good when you put pressure on yourself to be a good wife every night? Does it feel good when you put pressure on yourself to be a good student?
I’m not saying it’s wrong to want these things. But some of you are putting looks good, well above feels good.
& then no good comes from any of it.
You are literally making it so that you don’t allow yourself to enjoy your life until everything is “in order” whatever that means. Meanwhile, you don’t even care about ½ the things you are doing. You just care whether or not you’re doing them well.
Isn’t that ass backwards? Who cares! If you don’t like doing it, why does it matter if you’re good at it? Or if you’ve done it well. Or correctly?
Why does that matter so much to you?
I know why.
Because you are making being good at things. Mean that you are good.
we think doing a good job at something makes us a good person. That if we do something well, then we can give ourselves permission to think good things about ourselvesf. & only after we have proven to ourselves that we do good things,do we get to believe that we are good people. & the wild thing about this though, is that it’s actually not even working that well for most people. Because a lot of us aren’t paying attention to how it ACTUALLY FEELS to do this thing we are telling ourselves makes us a good person. So we are doing “good” but not really feeling good.
& this makes us feel confused. Why are my gold stars & accolades not enough? Why aren’t my good house & my good hair & my good husband enough?
Because when you do this, you are attaching your self-worth to what you can produce in the world, what you can accomplish. You are trying to match your value to your resume & then comparing them & wondering what else you can do to add to your value as a human. What else can I be good at so i can keep thinking good things about myself? This is blatant and obvious to you, but it is what’s underlying it all.
Because if it wasn’t then why don’t you feel better? You’ve already done so much! You’re already good at so many things! Why don’t they count?
Because you’ve set yourself up for a never ending cycling of proving yourself to yourself, that you can never win.
Because there is just going to be something else you tell yourself you need to get good or better at first.
& I want to offer you a way out. I want you to understand right here, right now, that you are already good. You are already good now, as you are. You are exactly as you are meant to be & nothing that you do can change that inherent goodness that you have & that you are. That goodness, that value, you were born with it, remember?
So what if you just let yourself believe that, & live into the idea that you can do anything you want. Because you’re grown & everything is made up anyways.
if you want to get good at things because it is something to do, you can absolutely do that. But don’t go around trying to do a good job at things because you think you have to, or because you think it is the right thing to do, or even the only way.
Because it’s not.
You don’t have to wait until you’re good at the things to enjoy the things you’re doing.
It’s like we have this underlying belief that we need to punish ourselves in order to keep ourselves in line & to keep us motivated & to keep us moving towards our goals.
So we think if we start enjoying ourselves before we’re good at something we will give up on it.
But I want to open your eyes to the opposite perspective. Which I believe is actually the truth of how it all works.
Which is that the more you enjoy something, the more you will get better at it.
If you allow yourself to enjoy something now, you actually or more likely to keep going back & repeating the thing & doing it more often just out of the feeling you get from just doing the thing. & then of course we all know that by nature of doing something repeatedly you will inevitably get better at it with time.
Just kind of the way of things, no?
But so many of us have it backwards, and we want to be good first, because we think that means we get to think something good about ourselves. So in the meantime, we withhold those nice things that we could be saying to ourselves. We reserve that for “when we deserve it” whatever the fuck that means. & we keep ourselves in this cycle of trying to prove to ourselves that we are good, so that we can treat ourselves like we are good.
Or worse, while we are in the beginning stages of something, we make ourselves feel like dirt for not being better at them yet. & we make the whole experience of trying something new a shity one, because we spend the whole time picking on ourselves. So then of course we don’t want to go back to it, or try it again, because the only experience we have doing it was a fucking terrible one.
It is absolutely possible to completely get rid of that set of good & bad criteria & replace it with something that is more inspiring & motivating & honestly just sustainable. A criteria that keeps us in the game for longer & puts pressure on the back burner. By telling ourselves like hey I’m going to try this thing literally because I can. Because I have the means, because it’s a possibility for me & why not? & then I’m just gonna see what happens, & where it takes me.
& I’m saying, what if we tried to do this with like ½ of our lives? Like what if instead of just 1 specific special occasion where we told ourselves “this isn’t a big deal, I’m just doing this for fun”? We did it more often?
I understand trying to appraoch your entire life like there are no rules & it’s just for shits & giggles might be too big of a jump, I get it, the world works a certain way, we don’t necessarily want to just go entirely against the grain. We’re not fucking hippies. I get that. But what if we expanded this concept to about ½ our lives (fine i’ll even give you ¼), instead of just that 1 exclusive hobby you do in a corner by yourself that no one knows about?
What if you took this approach with dating or your sex life? With getting dressed in the morning or 1 meal you cooked a day? Or with trying a new skill or visiting a place you’ve never been before?
What if you allowed ½ of your life to just be for the fun of it & to see what happens? How much pressure do you think you could take off of yourself? How much more energy do you think you might gain access to? How much brain space would you gain?
What if when you went to approach something you had to or wanted to do in your life you asked yourself: & how can i enjoy this first?
& then when you’re taking I want you to take stock of the things that make up your life now, already. & I want you to take notice of why you are doing the things you are doing?
Like, why am I trying to get good at this thing? What do I think that means about me? Do I like this thing? Who am I doing this for?
This is something I really want you to take the time to start looking into & being curious about, & take a mental note of the places in your life where you are just performing for your self – worth.
Remember, you are an adult, you can give yourself the gold star whenever tf you want, at any point in the process. You can give yourself the gift of reassurance & encouragement now. You don’t have to prove anything to yourself first. There are no rules! You can just let yourself enjoy things as they are right now. & then, you can use the extra energy & brain space to come up with ways to improve your life, if that’s what you want.
But you have to let go of this caveat first. You have to stop pinning yourself in this corner & forcing yourself to do & be a certain way before you give yourself the pat on the back. Let’s start with the pat on the back. I promise, it’s not going to make you complacent.
What’s making you complacent is the pressure you are never living up to. Not the encouragement you are getting for being mediocre.
That’s everything I have for you cuties & I’ll speak to you next week (: