Be. U. TY Podcast is Here! The podcast that will help you unveil your authentic self so you can show the world who you are confidently. In today’s episode, our host Adozie Duffy talks about the word “should”. And how with this simple word, you are putting wild expectations on yourself without realizing it.
“When you let yourself just feel however you feel, no matter how kind of dumb or like low grade or unimportant it seems, then you can just solve your feelings so much more easily.”
“When you’re telling yourself all the time how you should be, versus recognizing yourself for how you actually are, you are essentially denying yourself the chance to be proud of what you are accomplishing now and how far you have already come, when you’re always focusing your attention on what you should be doing instead.”
“Another thing that happens when we use the word “should” is that we get out of touch with what we actually want to be doing. We set standards for ourselves, and then point ourselves in that direction without really digging deeper to find out if those standards are even actually appealing to you, or worth your time or your effort ”
“The word should is basically just like a missed opportunity, or it’s mourning a decision that you can no longer do anything about. It’s standards for yourself that you aren’t currently able to meet, and it’s just perfectionis.”
What to watch for:
00:33 – A little story to demonstrate how crazy the human brain is.
12:30 – The word is should
13:23 – Reflect on how often you use the word should
16:23 – Following our desires
17:19 – Instead of should, Prioritize want
21:00 – If there was no “should” then there would just be acceptance and I’m moving on
22:15 – You are good enough as you are
Connect with Adozie
Oh hey girls hey!
Okay, now that I’ve finished putting myself on blast, I want to segway into today’s topic which is the word “should”
Without realizing it, you are putting wild expectations on yourself with this very simple, yet threatening word “should”.
It’s a way that we think we are motivating ourselves, or at least we see it as a way we are trying to direct ourselves to be better & do better.
But in using this word, what you are actually doing, is robbing yourself of the opportunity to accept what is. Okay, so not to be dramatic but when you are telling yourself all the time how you should be, versus recognizing yourself for how you are. You are essentially denying yourself of the chance to be proud of what you are accomplishing now & how far you have come,
When you are always focusing your attention on what you should be doing instead that is better for you, or cooler or is going to make a bigger impact, you are creating a lot of resistance in your life without realizing it.
Try to take a second & reflect on how often you use the word should & take notice of the fact that through telling yourself what you should be doing instead, you are telling yourself that what you are currently doing falls flat.
But, you get to be the one to decide that for yourself & your life. When we are shoulding ourselves we are in a state of judgement. Either through judging ourselves in the present about what we should be doing instead of what’s in front of us, or judging ourselves in the past for an action that we took that we wish we wouldn’t have.
Regardless, doing this in either instance is a huge waste of time, because if you are saying you should then you already aren’t, which means you are prioritizing a fake reality over the current one that is before you. & along with that wasting of time, you are undermining your own choices & decision making.
In doing this, you are making it really really hard to create trust & confidence in yourself, because the first chance you get, you are willing to throw yourself under the bus for a different option that you now never have the chance to pursue, right?
Like it’s all over, & now instead of choosing to support yourself & your bravery for making a choice when it was hard, you are using this opportunity to blame & berate yourself over outcomes you literally have no idea of predicting or not ability to go back & time & change.
& all of this, is a huge waste because the only thing you’re doing is creating negative feelings for yourself, which will not encourage you to do a better job next time, but instead make you overly cautious because you will subconsciously have a fear of this very same thing happening again.
It’s just plan ol’ mean when you really think about it.
Another thing that happens when we use the word should, is that we get out of touch with what we actually want to be doing.
We set standards for ourselves & then point ourselves in that direction, without really digging deeper to find out if those things are even actually appealing to you, or worth your time & effort.
A lot of the times, we might even find ourselves doing things like this based off of what we think other people will think about us if we do it. & then we base our actions & intentions on that, instead of on the true desires that we have for ourselves.
Remember, you can always tell if you are doing something out of obligation versus out of true desire by how you feel.
When you feel forcedd & scrambly, desperate & grabby, it’s usually a sign that you are doing something that you think you should be doing, versus doing something out of your true desire to do it.
Now, i thiknk some of think that when we are following our desires it automatically makes us selfish, & makes us more likely to pick the easier path, or maybe not show up for other people, or just basically that by following our desires we’re more likely to be a worse person, like worse at our job, or cartaking or idk working out.
But i want to push back against that notion & offer you the perspective that maybe what you’re doing now- for example doing things out of obligation, going to that thing because you thikn you have to, helping out your friend because you think you should, staying late at the office because you think you should. All of these obligations we force on ourselves are actually making us a worse version of ourselves, because instead of showing upto something & genuinely wanting to be there & participate & be truly generous, we are showing up in bad moods & huffing & puffing & getting resentful.
Like yeah, you did the thing because you felt like you should, but did anyone really get any benefit out of it?
I just want you to think about if you were living your life from a place of honesty instead of obligation. That instead of should you prioritized want & it didn’t mean you dropped the ball on your rfesponsibilites. Instead it actually made you show up for the things that you did decide were worthy of your time with such a better attitude & enthusiasm. Because you werent mad to be there. You had chosen to be there & support your friend, or show up for that charity event or idk go to that
That you let yourself actually choose instead of telling yourself that you had to because you should.
I just want you to imagine how much more of a badass friend, or sister or partner you would be if you when you showed up you were fully engaged, happy to be there & invested. Sure, maybe that means it’s like once a month now (or less, i’m not judging) but think of that kasting memory you will gace for yourself, & if other people’s opinion of you is still important at this point, think about those type of memories they will have of you.
Not you rolling your eyes or pouting or causing drama because you don’t want to be there. Or not you gritting your teeth & pretending to care. But true genuine involvement & enjoyment on both sides.
Like just think of how that would feel instead? Because you wouldn’t be lying to yourself or others about what you want & who you are, you would just accept whatever level of commitment or help as enough because you actually meant it.
So, riddle me this, but what if we just got rid of the word “should” entirely? I know sounds fucking bananas, but just follow me for a second.
What even is the word should? It’s a missed opportunity, it’s mourning a decision that you can no longer do anything about, it’s standards for yourself that you aren’t currently able to meet, it’s perfectionism. Should is just a sneaky way for you to be mean to yourself by creating the pretend belief that you can do things that have nothing to do with what is actually within the bounds of your life & reality. & within the bounds of what you actually care about & is important to you.
What if we just let “should” go? & replaced it with I am going to do _ or I Want to do if we are talking about the future & what you are wanting for yourself. & then when it comes to the past we replace it with I did the best with what I knew at the time. & then deadened the conversation there.
Because usually, if you think about it, we are only really using the word should in our heads with ourselves to berate ourselves over something. OR we are using as a means to tell ourselves how we could & would be better if we just did X,Y,Z.
Let’s cut all of those options out of our lives now & just decide now that we are going to stand behind what we choose to do for ourselves, no matter what & leave it at that.
Because remember, the reason you are shoulding yourself is because you think you will feel better if you did all those things you said you should do.
You think if you were hitting all 123456432 of those ideas & standards you set for yourself, you would get to think you were good enough. A good enough mom, a good enough girlfriend, a good enough sister. But what if instead you just let yourself off the hook & told yourself I shouldn’t be any other way than how I am, & I am learning to move in a direction that feels good to me.
& that’s that!
You have the power to approve of yourself & your choices & what you’re doing at any time. & you can choose to enact that power at any given moment. No seriously, like at any point you can decide to choose to be nice to yourself over choosing to fixate on a past mistake or future fantasy for yourself.
You can decide to just like yourself, without holding all of these things that you should or could be over your head.
& I promise you, from this place, you will have a much easier time upping whatever it is that you originally were shoulding yourself around with so much less drama & suffering.
You can totally set high standards for yourself, but not at the expense of your trust & approval of where you are now.
Do you understand the difference?
Okay, that’s what I’ve got for you QTs – stop shoulding yourselves!!