Be. U. TY Podcast is Here! The podcast that will help you unveil your authentic self so you can show the world who you are confidently. In today’s episode, our host Adozie Duffy talks about taking care of ourselves. Why do we stop taking care of ourselves? How is it that everything we “have to do” in our life takes priority over how we get to feel?
“ We need to be nourished and nurtured, cradled and cared for. We need the ability to cry when we are upset and self soothe as a means to feel better.“
“ Regardless of why, it’s time that we take ‘taking care’ of ourselves seriously, because it’s the difference between living and being alive.”
“Taking care of yourself is not an extra. It’s the basic, its baseline, it’s the foundation, it comes first.”
“The fact that we expect so much out of life, proves just how out of touch we are with the real meaning of it all, there’s no over there for the better experience, the better days, the better times. There is only, right now.”
What to watch for:
00:27 – The topic
02:13 – how well we take care of babies and why do we not treat ourselves in this way
03:40 – Taking care of ourselves seriously
04:21 – Give yourself that same level of attention
06:05 – Take notice of how much we prioritize over how we feel
09:22 – Taking care of yourself is not an extra
Connect with Adozie
Why do we stop taking care of ourselves?
How is it that everything we “have to do” in our life takes priority over how we get to feel?
I mean how we feel at any given moment really is the only thing there is when it comes to being a human on this earth, yet most of us see it as a secondary thing. That we have to worry about our to-do lists, our errands or our obligations, before we worry about how we feel inside of our bodies, is BS.
Think about how well we take care of babies. We only do all of that because a baby can’t do it for themselves. But when it comes time for us to take care of ourselves, we don’t put in even ½ the effort that we would for a baby or a child.
Like seriously think about it! You would never let a child skip a meal, or a bath, or lotioning their bodies, giving them a massage or making sure they got good sleep. Why do we not treat ourselves in this way? A lot of us act as though a baby and an adult are two completely different species.
We think that once we become an adult we no longer need to be taken care of. But that’s not true at all! It’s just that we no longer need to be taken care of by a third party,
We still require the literal SAME type of care that we did as a baby. Maybe we don’t need to eat as often, but that’s about it. Lol We need to be nourished and nurtured, cradled and cared for. We need the ability to cry when we are upset and self soothe as a means to feel better.
But we cut ourselves off from all of this. Most of us act like growing into an adult means that we grew into robots, it’s bonkers.
& i get it. Maybe some of us didn’t learn how to take care of ourselves because our parents never fully showed us how. Or maybe some of us didn’t learn to take care of ourselves, for the exact opposite reason, that our parents cared for us so well and we didn’t ever have to learn!
Regardless of why, it’s time that we take ‘taking care’ of ourselves seriously, because it’s the difference between living and being alive.
It’s not frivolous or extra, it’s actually the basis for a good, long, fulfilling life.
I mean seriously, think of a baby that wasn’t given every bit of care it needed in order to flourish, you wouldn’t see the missed steps as frivolous then. You wouldn’t treat it as unnecessary, or dramatic, it would literally be like step 1. You would do it without question because when you think about what a child needs, it is so much easier to understand the cycles of a human being without judgement.
Think about how much we let babies cry, or how much we tend to their needs, how much we pay attention to the changes in their bodies, or their attitudes. Then imagine if you gave yourself that level of attention, how much less you would need from the outside world.
How many less things, material items, how many fewer distractions, how much less validation, or shallow relationships.
If you were able to meet your needs the way a mother meets the needs of her newborn baby, how much more full would your life be by default?
From this place of fullness & completeness, you can then add the extra bits for fun or entertainment, to change it up, or to push yourself.
But you would have a really strong foundation because you would be in tune with what you most need to fill up your cup & you wouldn’t be resentful or jealous of others for not tending to you in the way you most “need”
Let’s think about it. What if instead of prioritizing what you had to do/ get done every day, your priority was doing something that felt good to you everyday?
Whether that be a long and luxurious bath, sitting with yourself and deep breathing, doodling on a piece of paper just because you can, dancing to your favourite music, laying outside and looking at the stars, rewatching a movie you’ve seen 100 times, talking with your best friend about your wildest dreams.
Those are the types of things that turn life into an adventure, not just a means to an end.
Think about all the ways you overlook yourself. Your hunger, when you’ve just got to finish this assignment real quick. Your literal bladder, when you tell yourself to hold it so someone you don’t care about can finish telling you the story you also don’t care about. Your constricted belly that feels the pressure of the pants you insist on wearing even when it’s time to go a size up. Your feet, in pain, as you force yourself to deal with it for the sake of the outfit.
& while i’m not saying any of these things are wrong, I just want you to take notice of how much we prioritise over how we feel.
How often we choose to look, or come across in a certain way, versus pay attention to what that choice actually feels like, to us as a being.
Whether that choice actually makes us feel good about ourselves, even just in that moment, or if we have an ulterior motive to impress someone as a means of hoping to get that good feeling we are searching for, later.
We are only ever looking to manipulate a situation, or a person, or a scenario in order to allow ourselves the permission to feel good, or feel better about ourselves. I want to present you the idea that you can actually make yourself feel so good, that you no longer need a third party to do it for you.
That you don’t need to impress someone, then let that esteem come back on you in order for you to feel good.
You can actually just skip the part about them, and get right into the part where you feel good about you, by honouring and listening to yourself when you are calling out for your own care or attention.
Not to be dramatic, but this is how a lot of women go through life, literally ignoring their needs from themselves, or of their bodies and “powering through”.
I know for a fact this was me.
When I started being mindful & really listening to myself, I started recognizing the times that I was telling myself I was hungry & my reply to myself was to literally shrug me off & tell myself to wait.
I did this as a default. I would tell myself I was hungry and then I would proceed to ignore myself, or tell myself to get over it, or that it could wait, or that “No, I wasn’t really”.
Isn’t that actually bonkers?
I mean seriously. I would never do that to a kid, I would never tell a kid, “No you’re not” when they said they were hungry.
So of course I was feeling neglected, or invalidated. Of course I felt like my partner at the time should show me more attention, and my friends should listen harder, and my students should pay more attention.
Because what was actually happening to me was that I myself was actively choosing to ignore myself any time I was expressing what I needed. & not just occasionally, like actually MOST of the time.
& it wasn’t just hunger!
It was I have to pee- you can hold it
I’m pretty tired- you’re fine we’ll just have some coffee
I don’t feel that great – it’s probably just something you ate, you’ll feel better once we get to the party
I’m bored- well let’s just drink to make this more interesting
I’m feeling restless- let’s put on another episode
I don’t even know if I like this guy – let’s give him another chance, he came all this way
& the list goes on & on – me telling myself my truth & then also me undermining everything I say. Telling myself to suck it up, or get over it, or it’s not that big of a deal at every turn.
NO WONDER I FELT INFERIOR, NO WONDER I FELT UNHEARD, NO WONDER I FELT MISUNDERSTOOD.
I was always correcting myself to be “better” in the sense of getting along, or being easy for others, or being palettable, instead of checking in with myself and how I actually felt, and what I actually needed to stop feeling badly.
My default was always to push myself more, until one day I literally couldn’t do anything but lie down.
Until my body and my mind literally just quit on me. They were like okay bitch, if you’re not gunna listen to us, we’re not gunna listen to you either.
Taking care of yourself is not an extra, it’s the basic. It’s the foundation, it comes first. It absolutely has to.
Especially if you’re a woman with a mission. To change the world, to raise amazing children, to live a life of adventure, whatever it is.
You can only really live your truth and get the most fulfilment out of life if you are in line with that truth. & how are you going to live your truth if you can’t hear yourself when you’re asking for what you need?
How is it that we all expect to understand and be living in our purpose, when we are constantly trying to control the narrative of who we are and base it on what we think will be most liked, or best received?
How do you plan on getting to your purpose if you just keep pretending you’re fine all the time?
That you don’t need it. Or it’s too expensive. Or what happened wasn’t that big of a deal. Or you’ll get over it.
How do you expect life to give you so much, if you’re not utilising the only fucking tool you have to experience? You aren’t tapped into your body? Your mind & your body aren’t in sync?
How do you not know what you want for dinner, yet you think you’re supposed to know why you’re on this earth in the first place?
The fact that we expect so much out of life proves just how out of touch we are with the real meaning of it all.
There’s no “over there” for the better experience, the better days, the better times; There is only right now.
So how are you going to improve on your self care so you can start feeling better now, and stop waiting for some arbitrary goal you have for yourself to give you that feeling in the future?
Any time you hear yourself ask something of you, or point out a discomfort, or tell you about how you’re feeling, pretend it is coming from a 3-year-old & respond accordingly.
See how much your life and world opens up when you start caring for yourself in the way it was always intended for us to be taken care of, & watch your reactivity go down & your fulfilment go up.
Okay qt’s talk to you next week!