Be. U. TY Podcast is Here! The podcast that will help you unveil your authentic self so you can show the world who you are confidently. In today’s episode, our host Adozie Duffy talks about shaming ourselves for our feelings. Why are we trying to tell ourselves that we are wrong for how we are feeling? We should just give ourselves the permission to feel our feelings for what they are.
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“ We actually try to convince ourselves that our feelings are really what they are, as a means to just hurry ourselves out of whatever emotion it is that we are feeling.“
“ Another way we do this is by trying to force ourselves to look on the bright side of something that isn’t sitting right with us, we tell ourselves that at least x is this way or at least why without actually chained to the original belief, so we just feel stuck and unresolved.”
“If something isn’t sitting right with you telling yourself, there are good attributes about it, does not replace the original feeling, it just kind of keeps you in a place of purgatory. If you want to change how you feel. You have to uproot the thing entirely.”
“Not looking for the bright side of something isn’t like you being negative, it’s you being honest about the fact that a situation made you unhappy or a situation wasn’t what you wanted it to be. When we stopped trying to do that, then we also stopped accepting that we need to be amazing all the time.”
What to watch for:
00:25 – Unapologetic Woman 1 on 1 coaching series
02:29 – Shaming of ourselves for having our feelings
03:03 – The Analogy
04:25 – This is not your fault
05:39 – Another way of mishandling our emotions
08:16 – Allowing yourself to fully lean into your feelings as valid
11:42 – It is so much easier to be real with yourself, and to sit with your emotions
12:24 – You are the most important person in your life
Connect with Adozie
So, since working with clients, as well as doing work on my own, I have come across this wild behavioral phenomenon that so many of us participate in.
It’s the shaming of ourselves for our feelings.
So instead of just allowing ourselves to feel mad, or sad, or upset. We get upset with ourselves for having the feeling in the first place.
& in doing this, we are doubling down on our negative emotions without even realizing it!
We are making our situations so much worse because we aren’t just letting the feeling be what it is, we are unknowingly intensifying it with our judgment of the emotion.
My favorite analogy is this. Imagine if you were hitting yourself in the face all day long. & every time you hit yourself in the face, you then socked yourself in the arm for hitting yourself in the first place.
Can you imagine how exhausted & tired & overwhelmed you would be by the end of each day?
That’s what so many of us are doing to ourselves when we don’t just give ourselves the permission to feel our feelings for what they are.
We come in with a critical eye & we try to tell ourselves that we are wrong for how we are feeling, or that what we are experiencing isn’t that big of a deal, or that we should just get over it.
It’s like what if punching yourself in the face was just part of your day. & every time it happened you didn’t spend 20 minutes intentionally hitting yourself for the 3 seconds that you accidentally hit yourself.
Do you see the difference? One part of you is just the reaction. Someone you wanted to talk to didn’t answer your call so you feel disappointed. Instead of allowing yourself that brief moment of disappointment, you start scolding and berating yourself for caring so much in the first place. You start picking yourself apart for being so needy. You start telling yourself that you should learn how to be more independent. & the beat down goes on & on & on, when instead you could have just allowed yourself the 2-3 minutes to sit with your disappointment & then let it go.
& listen, this is not your fault. It isn’t some crazy coincidence that so many of us revert to scolding ourselves for feeling as opposed to just allowing for them, Of course not!
We were raised in families & societies that have a really hard time with natural human emotion. A society that tells us (especially women) that any feeling we start to have is too much, or over the top, or unnecessary.
We learned from a young age that our feelings are a burden. Not just to us, but to those around us, & that we need to get them in check before we disturb the peace of those around us,
We were literally encouraged to shut up & get over it, long before we were told to let it all out & pass through it (I mean if we were ever even told that, I’m not even sure)
This also leads us to another way of mishandling our emotions. We completely deny that they are there in the first place, by undermining ourselves when we are trying to tell ourselves something.
I touched a bit on the last podcast when I was talking about how we find it hard to take care of ourselves & be in touch with our needs.
But this is slightly different because in this case, we try to convince ourselves that our feelings are really what they are, as a means to just hurry ourselves out of whatever emotion it is that we are feeling.
For example, if we find someone is really annoying to us, we bitch and complain about them but then cut ourselves off when we think we are going too much or going too far & say that it’s fine, or we’re fine, or we’ll get over it.
Or that it’s not that big of a deal and we shouldn’t let someone disturb our peace.
But we do this all with the intention of just pushing ourselves onto the next task, or distracting ourselves into working on something else, or changing the subject, but we’ve never really truly processed the underlying emotion that we felt for that person, or never convinced ourselves of a new and lighter perspective.
We just shoved it down, put a blanket over it, turned off the lights, and acted like it disappeared.
& I know you guys already know how that goes, it leaks out or pops up somewhere else when you least expect it.
Another way we do this is by trying to force ourselves to “look on the bright side” of something that isn’t sitting right with us.
We tell ourselves that at least x or at least y, without actually changing the original belief.
So we just feel stuck & unresolved.
Let me give you an example of this in the wild.
You want your roommate to pitch in more around the house. You feel like you do the majority of the cleaning and it’s not really fair that you should have to take on so much, when you both are obviously contributing to the mess in the household.
When you think about it, it bothers you & you contemplate telling your roommate how you feel & maybe coming up with a way to make things more even.
Instead of allowing yourself to fully lean it to your feelings as valid, you start telling yourself how it actually isn’t THAT bad when you have to clean up, & maybe you don’t even really mind it. I mean she does work really hard, and you could learn to just do it without getting so upset each time & honestly you don’t want to cause a fight with her anyways, so you should be fine & never mind, it’s really not that serious.
Notice how the 2nd half of this SOUNDS like it’s helpful & SOUNDS like you’ve convinced yourself out of being angry & annoyed, but really all you did was put a picnic blanket on top of a pile of shit & then proceed to set up for your day in the sun.
Lol, sorry that’s the analogy that came to me & I’m personally happy with it!
The shit is going to seep through the blanket, because the shit is still under there. Slapping an “I’m okay” sticker on your forehead does not make everything better.
But we are so prone to doing this, specifically because we are all inundated with the beliefs that women shouldn’t make a fuss, and it’s better to get along, and that our feelings are REALLY that big of a deal & we should be fun, don’t worry about me, nothing to see over here!
When in reality, in this very situation, you haven’t changed a thing. You’ve just temporarily undermined your own feelings for the sake of “peace” even though nothing about the way you feel right now actually feels good or peaceful to you.
& when we don’t actually feel better about a situation. It leads us to handle it all weird and crazy like right?
Like pretending to not be upset with your roommate because it’s not a big deal, does not go down the way we think it does.
It makes us act all weird & creepy and passive-aggressive & it doesn’t help anyone’s situation. Not hers, because even though you’re not talking about the messy apartment, you’re not pulling off the “everything is chill” vibe you think you’re giving & now she doesn’t know how to navigate your guys’ shared space. & not yours because you aren’t actually over anything, you’re like secretly pouting to yourself but then you’re also in denial & lying to yourself, so you don’t even get to experience the satisfaction of just being angry. & then the situation as a whole doesn’t get better because the two of you are still stuck in the original situation that was bothering you so much in the first place, but somehow this is even worse because you’ve got your creepy smile going on unsolicited.
Do you understand the point I’m making here?
Even when we think we are getting away with not making a big deal out of something, or looking on the bright side of a situation, the original belief we have is still under there & even if you don’t admit it, it’s obvious to everyone around you that you smell like shit.
Lmao, not to be too harsh, but we are all much better off not trying to pretend away our original premise.
If something isn’t sitting right with you, telling yourself there are good attributes about it, does not replace the original feeling, it just keeps you in a place of purgatory.
If you want to change how you feel, you have to uproot the thing entirely.
In this particular example, it might not even mean having a conversation with your roommate. It might just mean, sitting with yourself & understanding what it is that you make it mean about yourself, or about your relationship every time she leaves a dirty dish in the sink.
I’m telling you, it likely has so much less to do with what’s actually going on (coughcough* the circumstance) & so much more about what you’re making her or your actions mean & in turn, how that meaning you’ve applied* to this scenario makes you feel.
It is so much easier to be real with yourself & to sit with your emotions in these times, than to try to cover it up or shame yourself for having them in the first place.
We are all human, this is what it looks like. It’s a mess!
& the moment you finally allow yourself to become one with the truth about reality, the easier your life will be,
Because you will be letting go of all these expectations you have of yourself for every given moment.
& instead, you will replace the expectations with curiosity.
Why does that annoy me so much? What do I think she is saying when she doesn’t pick up after herself? Why does that matter?
& start listening to your answers as if you were the most important person in your life.
Because news flash! You are!! & through doing this & treating yourself gently & with compassion, you will come to find that you don’t have random emotions for no reason & that all of the feelings that you feel are entirely real & valid & that you don’t have anything to prove OR HIDE from anyone, including yourself.
Okay QTs, that’s what I’ve got for you today. Stop doubling down on your emotions & stop trying to look on the bright side.
Just sit with your shit & let it teach you something about yourself (;
Okay byyyeeeee <3
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